Sunday, June 04, 2006

exam blues

I have been really silly this semester. I signed up for three courses and a workshop, none of which I need to take, I accepted two jobs, in addition to my choir, and all that while I'm preparing to move countries! It was plain daft. I have discovered that despite all my determination to make all this work, it simply isn't humanly possible. I am about to fail two out of my three subjects. And for someone who graduated with distinction, and, well, is just not used to failing at anything, this is a big deal. It's not that I've had it easy. I like studying, and I love what I do, but it has taken hard work. Still, I have always been able to find that little extra something that gets me through it. But this time, I seem to have run out of - what? I don't know what it would take to make this happen. I have literally been working flat out all year, and the past couple of months have been the worst. And now my brain has shut down. No matter how much I try to read, nothing seems to make sense. I can't absorb anything. So I'm taking a little break, and reminding myself that really, all this stuff doesn't matter. These marks will be on my transcripts, but they no longer matter. I am going to graduate school, no matter what, and I have a cum laude degree that can't be taken from me. I just have to keep remembering that I really have done all that I need to. And after all, I got an enormous amount out of these courses. I really did learn and read and think a whole lot, and after all, that is the important part. Writing these exams is a formality. Wish me lots of luck. I really need it!

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