Tuesday, November 22, 2005

finishing this damn degree

I guess what I'm experiencing must be a bit on the unusual side. Most people are particularly excited to complete their degrees. I was, too, to some degree, but to my horror, I've lapsed into a real depression over it. For the past four years, I've had a real purpose. I was doing something important. And there were people with an investment in me. There was a reason for me to push forward every day. There was also a lot of stress, enough that I got pretty sick at one point because of it, but at least I was doing something meaningful. Now, everything I do feels pointless. I've gotten involved in a seriously stupid romantic entanglement with someone I don't love, more because it fills the emotional space left by my degree than anything else. I have work to do, but it just doesn't fill the gap. Has anyone else felt like this? I typed "finishing a degree" into google, to see what I could find, but it seems like everyone else is really glad to reach the end of it. People's lives seem to start when they finish studying. My life seems to have been my studies. Please, someone, tell me I'm not the only one feeling like this!?!
I'm doing a little better than I was when I first posted this. I'm working on two publishable pieces simultaneously, and rehearsing for two choir performances, and so things really are moving again. The negative feelings will take time to get over, as will the stupid relationship (which I have extracted myself from), but I'm moving forward, and that really is all I can do at this point.

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