Friday, February 17, 2006


One of my biggest fears is that speaking about my depression in a professional context will have a negative impact on my career. I was thinking about that today, when I remembered something a very dear friend told me. She wasn't speaking specifically about this situation, but her words are meaningful none the less. She said that wanting to do something about it says a lot of positive things about the type of person I am. I struggle a little to believe that, but onceagain, my desire to understand myself, and possibly to help someone else, makes me believe that it is worth it all.
I have been on medication for endometriosis on and off for twelve years. One of the side effects is depression. I always thought I wasn't prone to it, untill it hit me full force last year. I didn't understand what was happening to me, at first. I was going through a great phase psychologically when a converstion with a friend sparked one of the blackest phases I have ever experienced in my life. It came and go, but reached its worst point around the time I finished my degree. The result is that I am now on anti-depresants (something I swore I would never do), and seeing a shrink every second week. I feel better all the time, with increasingly rare excpetions, but my shame over my illness increases. Only when I read about the likes of, for example, Ruth Benedict, who also suffered from depression her whole life, do I begin to understand how normal, and non-shameful it all is.

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